2009 Predictions by Jungle Bhoys answer to Mystic Meg

Welcome To Paradise’s resident Mystic Meg (well he does disappear every time it’s his round) has saved us all the bother of keeping up to date with news for the rest of the year by getting his crystal balls out and giving us a summary of the main events in 2009.

For a joke we took his predictions to a friend and well known Glasgow bookie and he gave us evens on it all coming to fruition!

So read on…and don’t forget. You heard it here first!
FEBRUARY ; Full member list of the Klu Klux Klan is leaked online and features the full Rangers first team, backroom staff, management and board. The Klu Klux Klan issue a denial. The SFA, SPL and refereeing fraternity also figure prominently with the Rangers kit man/bus driver Jimmy Bell, no less, revealed as the Grand Wizard.

The tea lady at Ibrox makes her home debut after Murray puts all players on a cost cutting pay as you play contract. Tea lady scores the winner in the last minute via the penalty spot having missed her five previous attempts before getting the bus home with her £25 bonus to blow at the bingo.

Aiden McGeady issues a clear the air statement denying reports that he had called Gordon Strachan an a***hole six times. He had in fact called him a wee ginger sheep shaggin short arsed c**t of an a***hole seven times.

MARCH ; Rangers make an official request to the SPL to have the season shortened to put them out of their misery.

SPL agree on compassionate grounds but due to an oversight Celtic clinch 4 In A Row on the final day of the season on St Patrick’s Day.

APRIL ; Rangers fans given a final warning by FIFA and UEFA, but not the SFA, to stop singing sectarian, racist and offensive songs or face a ban from world football.

The permanently enraged Rangers Supporters Trust issue an attention seeking statement agreeing that the Rangers support must move on and make up new sectarian, racist and offensive songs.

Paranoia sets in after word reaches Strachan that McGeady has been talking about him in the huddle. Meanwhile a game of football breaks out as peace is restored and the Celtic team take to the field resplendent in the hoops complete with an Easter Lily to remember Ireland’s dead.

MAY ; David Murray announces to the waiting world plans to sell Rangers FC to “the right people” are in the final stages after meeting a dignified consortium that included royalty, members of parliament and an ex player.

Lord Lucan, Ian Paisley and Gazza were unavailable for comment.

Artur Boruc caps the perfect end to a shite season by scoring a last minute header as he goes up for a corner in a 1-0 win over Rangers in the Scottish Cup Final to clinch the Treble before jumping into the Rangers End and knocking out fifteen Huns.

As he lifts the Cup live on TV Artur drops his shorts to reveal a tattoo of Keevins on his left buttock and one of Leckie on his right buttock. The faces are pixelated out in the morning papers in the interests of public decency.

Gordon Strachan leaves Celtic after an unsuccessful 4 year spell which brought 4 SPL titles. Roy Keane is introduced as the new Manager with Neil Lennon as his assistant. The Dream Team which unites Ireland state no stone will be left unturned in our search for a left back.

The discovery of Garry Pendrey’s notebook which he so frantically scribbles on during matches before staring straight ahead motionless for the rest of the match reveal it was he and not Strachan who was the brains in the operation. Pendrey always won the noughts and crosses and definately had the upperhand in Hangman and I Spy With My Little Eye.

JUNE ; Nacho Novo’s £25 million move to Real Madrid hits a last minute snag due to a technicality after the Spaniards discover he is shite.

Novo retires from football to take up a starring role in the west end theatre production Rats.

Multi millionaire tycoon Donald Trump buys Rangers and renames Ibrox “TrumpetLand”.

But just as the ink is drying the deal is scuppered as it’s discovered that a friend of Trump’s great granny’s next door neighbour’s postman had married a Catholic.

A masonic arab has pledged to buy Rangers. Sheikh Mahaun was unavailable for comment last night.

JULY ; Ally McCoist is unveiled as the new manager of Rangers and announces Gazza as his assistant.

Walt Disney announce a sequel to Dumb and Dumber is to be filmed at Ibrox.

Bobo Balde makes his first appearance at left back.

Rangers travel to Belfast for their annual Trumpetfest against Linfield on the 12th as David Murray takes centre stage on the pitch dressed in union jack pinny, union jack bow tie and balaclava with a union jack waving out his arse pre match to reaffirm Rangers as “A Protestant Club for a Protestant People” before throwing his hat down and playing The Sash on his mouth organ for pennies.

A family buy out of Rangers hits a last minute snag after mass murderer Hank, serial rapist Yank and bank robber Wilhelmena take cold feet over fears of bringing shame to the family name.

AUGUST ; Hearts finally pay their water bills as a summer drought hits Tynecastle.

Rangers throw away a 5-0 lead from the first leg and are knocked out of the Champions League first Qualifier after Gazza takes the players on a pre match bonding session in the Reiperbahn before their match with St Pauli.

Kenny Miller signs for Celtic. Farsley Celtic in the Wotsitcalled League down south..

SEPTEMBER ; The transfer window closes with our search for a left back unsuccessful. 100 year old Jim Craig is brought back from Celtic TV to fill the gap and a bid for the Rangers tea lady is knocked back.

Celtic win our first ever Champions League away match with a 1-0 win over St. Pauli in Hamburg which even the St Pauli fans celebrate.

UEFA order a replay after it is discovered one of the ten St Pauli players who were sent off in the first half had suffered a miscarraige of justice.

St Pauli win the replay 3-2 with a last minute penalty, deflection and own goal.

OCTOBER ; The latest scandal to hit crisis club treble winners, Celtic, is splashed across the front pages as Aiden McGeady is revealed as the secret love child of Gordon Strachan.

At the Rangers AGM, David Murray announces a new plan to increase morale amongst the Rangers support. They wont be signing any more Catholics. They will not employ Catholics in any capacity and the club’s infamous sectarian policy is now firmly back in place.

The Rangers Supporters Trust welcomes the move stating that tradition means everything to Rangers fans after he produces a 62 page document claiming that Rangers were more successful before they signed Catholics than they have been since durty micky basturts started to soil the Queen’s jersey.

He again states the official Rangers supporters’ stance on Catholics that they should all go home to Ireland.

The Scottish media reacts by carrying Celts In Crisis headlines on the front page as Aiden McGeady reverts to his natural colour, ginger.

NOVEMBER ; David Murray announces a raffle scheme in a desperate act to finally sell off the club. Tickets cost 50p and are available from all Orange and Masonic Lodges, Klu Klux Klan outlets and at the SFA HQ.

1st prize is Rangers Football Club lock, stock and barrell. 2nd prize is Rangers with Hearts thrown in.

The Scottish Catholic International Aid Fund are confirmed as the winners after one member, who was overdoing the charity bit, bought a ticket.

Lloyds Bank announce the closure of Rangers Football Club with debts of 35 trillion causing a world wide recession.

The Scottish media issue a 12 page Celtic In Crisis special supplement with every newspaper after Celtic draw 0-0 at Pittodrie.

DECEMBER ; World leaders meet to discuss ways of stabilising the economy on a global scale after Murray’s true debts are discovered.

SCIAF announce plans to turn Ibrox into a half way house for immigrant Irish and Polish refugees.

The union jack and swastika are lowered for the last time over Ibrox with the Irish tricolour and Polish flag lofted high over the new Artur Boruc, Aiden McGeady, Roy Keane and Neil Lennon stands.

David Murray is knighted by the British Empire for his work in eradicating sectarianism, nazism and racism from Scottish society as the door is closed for the last time on Rangers FC.